Heart Broken

   I feel like I'm missing the biggest part of me, like my heart is disolving in this moment, I can't feel it beating, I can't feel it smiling. I'm in pain, now more than ever... I'm scared... I'm confused... I'm lost wondering what's next. There are some things I can't change and never will be able to and I'm not sure how to live with that. I'm exhausted from the constant questioning and anxiety that my heart goes through every single day. I'm burned out with messing up and trying so hard to put things back together in a panic when I've realized what has happened... things I've said. I can't say I don't mean some of those things... that's the sad part... what kind of person thinks and says these things about someone they love. I don't know how to be happy, I don't even know where to start to try to make myself happy... I haven't had many joys in my life that weren't closely followed by misery. How can I expect to make another person happy when I can't even make myself happy. I don't even know if he's happy, if he even wants to be anymore... maybe he'd rather not try. I don't know because he won't even begin to try to explain what he feels like or what his dark moments look like. How am I to know what goes on inside of him if he won't let me in.
   I'm not even sure what I want anymore... out of life... out of love... out of the future. I don't know if I want to even chance raising a child knowing that I could cause that much pain to someone I not only love, but created. The same pain that was handed down to me. I hold my parents responsible for a huge percentage of the crap I cary around today and for the person I was brought up to be, I don't know if I could live knowing I did that to an innocent child. Maybe I'm better off completely alone... unable to hurt anyone.
   I feel like I'm hanging on a chunk of unstable rock on the side of a cliff. I could keep hanging on until someday it breaks or I could just let go and the better part of me which is him would die and I'd become something horribly dark and I'd have to become someone else. Is it wrong to have your whole identity wrapped up in someone else, does that make me weak or not a strong person. I feel like he's all I've ever known and I'd cease to exist without him. Is it wrong to hold on to something when you know its broken... when you know it can never be whole. We could glue the pieces together and hope it sticks, but there will always be that weak spot that keeps reminding us every single time we get into a bad fight.
   I know I want to be happy, I know I still have some hope left... but I need help. I need more than he's been giving, I need that person who was there the morning after I screwed up really bad, the man that opened up to me about everything he was feeling in that moment. I guess I need change, I need him to change... I need me to change. If not then I'll have to let go of the rock...