Did really good today :D

So, me goal is to stay under 800 calories till the middle of September and then from 9/18 to 11/7 stay under 600 calories and that last date will be my goal weight of 110lbs.

Today I had:
2 peaches
1 vitamin water zero
1 pure protein breakfast shake
handful of raw almonds
1 snickers ice cream bar
bits boiled chicken breast
Total: 780 calories

Have not been writing for a while...

Wow, it's been sooooo long. So... I'm still stuck at the same weight. I hope to be to 124 and be able to check off my next goal by the time D gets back from his 2 week trip.
I've been super busy at work, so that's why I have not been writing lately. I haven't been in "Ana" mode but I plan on getting back into the restriction hardcore to get to my goal by Christmas *fingers crossed*

Hungry but won't eat

HA! take that growling tummy! I REFUSE!

so D just asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him and our friends.... hahaha I was like "no" he's like "why don't you want to see a movie with us?" I was like "do I really need to explain that to you?" I mean I haven't fucked him in like two weeks and I've stopped wearing my wedding ring..... you'd think he'd figure out that I don't want anything to do with him, much less sit through a movie with him.

Giving up on my marriage....

So, I've been really busy at work. I'm trying to go to the gym 5 days/wk for an hour after or before work. I'm stuck at 124/125 lbs and haven't lost in a while, so I need to do some heavy restricting this weekend and for the next two weeks.
My marriage is so totally gone to shit.... I've stopped caring and so has he. Everything about him either pisses me off, disgusts me, or annoys me. The thought of sleeping with him just bothers me.... I'm working on moving out. I want to be able to get some computer certifications in the next six months and get a higher paying job or a raise, enough to support myself.
I'm not going to bring it up to him till I'm ready to 100% leave him and never look back.

Living with him makes me miserable and I just want to move on..... get on with my life.

I use to not want to leave him because I was still in love with him and I couldn't stand the thought of him being with another woman, but now I don't even care. That's how much I've fallen out of love with him. We haven't even reached our three year anniversary..... its a good thing we waited on the kids.

I just want to get trashed and.......

....... forget everything about my life.
So, I'm pretty sure I have appendicitis. I've been having this progressively worse pain in my left abdomen a little above my liver. It's a throbbing pain and it's been getting worse over the last two to three months.... it started about 6 months to a year ago. I don't have health insurance for another 2.5 months so I'm not sure what to do about it.

Yes those are pix of me

I can't stand the way my husband treats me..... all I can think about is leaving him and falling in love with someone else...... I guess that's horrible. But I can't stop thinking about it.

He acts as if I'm not there at all.... I'm not ugly.... not even close... so I don't inderstand :''''(


I've even lost weight... I'm considered "really skinny" and "hot" so why doesn't he think so.....
I'm so broken up about our stupid, meaningless marriage....

Been so busy...

new job and all.... I've been working 40 hours/wk and then I come home and make dinner and apply for jobs for my hubby who just wants to sit and play wow all day and buy himself fast food and do little things here and there to find jobs... not enough though if you ask me.

I'm way over stressed and have not been eating much or exercising as much as I should.

He told me not to worry about taking care of him and his job situation, so fine I won't. I just don't think it or anything else will get done. Whatever.... I'm sick of caring so much.

We got in a fight today..... its bugging me.... everything is bugging me..... the fact that I'm doing the amount of 3 people's jobs at work and not getting paid enough for it is one of them.

Well on my way to 122lbs, should be there within a week... I guess that's a good thing :)

I feel good

Today I feel pretty good about myself, I'm fitting in both my size 2 jeans..... soon that will be a size 1 :)
So far I've been going to the gym 5 days a week and tonight I'm going to a weight training/cardio class for an hour. I figure if I do one intense hour a day that will make quite a difference. I'm trying to add Saturdays and then just go for a jog on Sundays. I need to get back to church though sometime. But I don't want to join a church right as we're moving again, that always sucks.
D's job fell through, they didn't have enough work to keep him going, so he's interviewing up north tomorrow, for more pay. The only problem is, the only place remotely close to where he works that we can afford to live is Corona and its way more inland, I'm so use to living close to the beach..... :'(

124lbs

Well, I've been stuck up and down between 126 and 128, I'm 124 totally empty and clothesless.
I feel ok about it, I feel more encouraged that I can get to 110 sometime before the summer's over. My only concern is how do I maintain it once I get there? I feel like it will be this constant struggle.
I hate when D brings home Jack in the Box... so tempting, but I didn't eat it, instead today 2/3 bag of pop corn.
I did an 50 min of cardio and some glute machines. My guess is about 500 calories burned today. I'm just really trying to pace myself and not get out of control which is what I was last week..... D's b-day, too many frosting-less cupcakes I binged on :'(

I'm going to post my weight in two weeks and hopefully I should be around 123 or 122.

We might be moving up to the LA area cuz he has a job offer.... that'll be different.

Not much to tell...

Went running this morning, not very far though. I'll run more tomorrow. I have to seriously restrict this week cuz I've been between 125 and 126 for weeks now and I have to start losing again.
Grrrr I hate this..... I WILL LOSE WEIGHT THIS WEEK

I want ta smoke.....

SO BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!! These fake ones aren't doing the trick :''''(

Today is blah

So, today is one of those really boring, not much to do types. I really want to workout today, but somehow I don't have the energy/motivation. I really wanted to tan today, but it wasn't hot enough. Tomorrow we're going to the beach, it'll be a nice excuse not to eat most of the day. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to stay under 300 and today I've eaten a lot (1000) but no more, just lots of water and sleep. I need to get rid of the sinus headache I've had for days now and keep my mind off of food since I'm going to start my period soon :(
Grrrr.... water weight.... fun.

Job interview for D

Yay! So my hubby has one job offer and another interview, so our hardwork is finally paying off, I also have sort of an in process interview with a company offering me a good amount of money and *fingers crossed* I'll get it and this job will also enable me to do online school which will be lovely so I can finish my degree.

I'm still hovering at the same weight, haven't really lost any for about a week or so. Hopefully by the end of next week I can be down a pound or so. I'm trying to slow down a bit on the weight loss thing so as to not get so starving that I wind up binging. So, over all I'm feeling better about myself and my situation.

Lets see... food I've eaten today... 1 yogurt, 1 oat meal packet, couple bites of mac and cheese, and a couple bites of orange chicken = 800 (probably less than that though)

I've been smoking a crap load of those vapor cigs and that has really hindered my appetite lately, I can't even think about eating right now..... I'm just not even hungry at all.

I've also started taking my ephedra diet pills again, 3 a day, tomorrow I'm going to try to up it to 4 a day.
I haven't felt much like exercising though, just not a whole bunch of energy and until my lungs heal up from smoking regular smokes (which I've since quit) I don't think I'll have the energy I need, but when I do I plan to take up running again.

Food is pointless

So I've come to the conclusion that really all food does is satisfy this temporary desire for taste and makes you feel good for the few minutes you're enjoying, but the second you're done eating you just feel like shit and so guilty that what the hell is the point in eating? I mean other than the few calories one needs to survive it's just a vice to most. The key is to find enjoyment in other things, more fulfilling things. I hate food. All it does is make us fat and gross and the enjoyment is so temporary. Have you ever noticed when you watch your favorite shows or movies how little you actually see the characters eat, if ever? They have such busy lives that are focused on other things. Ha ha, well that's what I was pondering...

Dinner at my parents house was....

a little weird, dad totally saw me give the majority of the food on my plate to the dog and kept giving me weird looks all night. Never said anything... thank God! I really didn't eat much, but had to eat something in front of them which kinda screwed up my 5 day fast. Starting over tomorrow, so Monday through Friday all I'm going to eat is something under 200 calories in the late morning and to boost my metabolism and thats it! No more mess ups, if I have to I'll avoid being social for the next 5 days just to get through it uninterrupted. I'll load up on iced black coffee, black tea, and tons of water and I will do all my bikini tone up exercises EVERY SINGLE DAY..... I have to stay motivated.
My fake cigs should be here soon (yay!) in so many yummy flavors so that should help with cravings :)
Good luck with tomorrow's intake, gals :)

Rejection

I applied to this online magazine type thing to do some part time writing on some topics and I just got a response.... they don't want me :'( I am so sick to death of turning my resume in to so many places and getting nothing back!
I totally forgot that tonight I'm going to my parents for dinner and going to a bbq this afternoon, I'm just going to say that I'm not feeling well and some other excuse not to eat.

A Gorgeous Day :) and pix of me

It's a bright beautiful sunny day this morning in California and I'm so glad to be back here rather than that crap hole, North Carolina.
I'm sooooo excited, I just ordered a starter kit from one of those electronic cigarette websites. I ordered the Volcano Cigs, cuz they had better flavors than the Blu Cigs and the refill products were cheaper. So, I'm def on my way to getting healthier lungs :) And I'm going to let my mom try them, and if she like em' then I'm giving here a kit for Mother's Day.
Today's fast is going well so far, the only thing I'm not too happy about is the colon flush pills I took yesterday :-P .... they are starting to kick in and man can I feel things rumbling about in my tummy. Ouch! Oh well, at least in 5 days I'll probably be down to 124lbs :) At the end of my fast I'm going to post some body shots.

SceneQueen, where you from? Aus or GB?

Party last night...

Last night I threw a party and got so drunk off 2 coke zeros, lime juice, and captain (fav drink ever) that I passed out wayyyy too early and my hubby said that people kept saying that I can't hold my alcohol anymore cuz I've become such a twig.

Love it :)

You know you're starving and getting thin when....

1. you get totally drunk off 5oz of wine
2. physically can't fit more than half a fist full of food in your stomach
3. your clothes are baggy
4. people make comments about how skinny you are

First Day of Fast

Ok, so today is Day 1 and I'm doing really good today.... too bad its freezing today.... I hate being cold.
All I've had today is a cup of black coffee and diet soda.

I still can't find a damn job.... been looking and applying EVERYWHERE!!! I've been sending in about 15 apps per day and still no calls for interviews.... its really begining to piss me off :(

3 day weekend fast

So, I have been eating too much the last three days, I think it's cuz I've been around my hubby and I feel more comfortable with eating around him, cuz he likes it when I eat, but I fear that all I've been doing is maintaining 125/126 and not losing, so Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I'm going to have my typical black iced coffee in the AM and then around lunch I will have a yogurt and thats it. I will continue the day with a lot of coffee and coke zero and then starting Monday I will do heavy restricting and probably weigh myself Tue or Wed.

Bachelor Pad

So, I just talked to my hubby on the phone, who is road triping back to Cali with his best friend and we are suposedly moving in with his friend, but when I asked what the plan was for tonight when he gets in town he's all like "oh we're just going to chill, shower, hang out and drink beer" and it didn't even sound like I was welcome, even though it's where I am going to be living. I have a mind to just let him live there and I'll stay with my parents.... I mean he's making sound like his new bachelor pad. Lame.... I'm a little put off by his tone and the fact that he doesn't even sound like he misses me at all or cares if I fricken live with him.

Intake today: 1 grapefruit, 4 cups black coffee, 2 strawberries, 15 walnut halves

Going to bed hungry

Well, today I did good and I'm starving... which is a good sign :) I'm def noticing a difference. I get to see my husband tomorrow, I haven't seen him in over two weeks so I really miss him :)
Lots of unpacking and moving to do Monday so that will burn a lot of calories. I'm so excited for the Job Fairs I'm going to this month *fingers crossed* we'll both have jobs by the end of April.

By the way

None of the pix I post are of me.... I'm too nervous someone will see the blog and realize I have a problem.

Oh and my hubby and I are doing much better, he should be home soon and we are looking forward to seeing eachother. He promised he'd treat me better and try harder to find a job so I guess I'm ok..... for now.

ate a bit too much today and yesterday

even though my tummy is still growling.... I know I'll do better tomorrow. I've started this new tone up routine to get rib of jiggles when i finally go to the beach. I do feel smaller though, and my clothes are bigger too :) I just have to keep it up for 10 more pounds till I'll wear my bikini.

125lbs!!!!

Yay!!! I dropped weight without even trying. Now I just got to find the motivation to tone up... when I have some energy :( I love this picture because she is suck a f*cking toothpick and i LOVE it, totally amazing...

Discouraged

  I feel like I ate wayyyyy too much today. I really didn't eat that much but I feel stuffed, probably cuz my stomach has shrunk and I can't hold that much food it in anymore without feeling stuffed.

   I still have got no calls about jobs and its really getting to me, I just want to hear back already and have some interviews!!!!! C'mon people!!!!!  Hire me!!!!

Sad Day

   My tummy is totally growling and I really have not had that much to eat today. I'm going to wait till like a week after my period is over and then weigh and see if the whole water weight thing is gone. I'm really not trying to lose, just maintain 127 and I'll get into my strict losing this weekend. Although this whole shity troubled marriage thing is doing a great job of getting me depressed and therefore I have no appetite :)

Abercrombie Jeans

   So I can finally fit into my size 2L A&F jeans, they are tight, but at least I can actually wear them around :)

I hate periods

   So, I have not had a period in two months and I finally thought that maybe I was losing enough weight that I was going to stop having them... guess not. I also hate all the water weight/bloatiness that shows up on the damn scale when this happens too. Depressing. I think I'm going to continue to fast today, just coffee and MAYBE egg drop soup which is all of 60 calories. Sounds like a good plan. I really want to be able to drop 8lbs by the time I see my husband.

What I ate so far today

Today, I had coffee :) That's it :)

   My teeth hurt so bad that I might as well not eat anyway, I just put my retainer in from like two years ago that I never wear and I guess my teeth have shifted.... A LOT! Hahahaha.
   Still no word from my husband. How immature do you have to be to not respect that fact that you have a wife and answer her calls? Lame.... well I gave D plenty of opportunities to call/text me back yesterday and now I'm over talking to him, so if he comes to the realization that he does want to talk before next month is over, he'll have to do it all on my voice mail :)
   Today I'm going to see that Valentine's Day movie with my mom... I know its going to be a cute flick, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel like sh*t from all the lovey dovey crap that I can't experience... oh well... I've come to the conclusion that life is a sh*t fest and nothing more. I seriously can't wait to die and go to heaven... geez who wishes that?! I guess f*cked up people like me.

Heart Broken

   I feel like I'm missing the biggest part of me, like my heart is disolving in this moment, I can't feel it beating, I can't feel it smiling. I'm in pain, now more than ever... I'm scared... I'm confused... I'm lost wondering what's next. There are some things I can't change and never will be able to and I'm not sure how to live with that. I'm exhausted from the constant questioning and anxiety that my heart goes through every single day. I'm burned out with messing up and trying so hard to put things back together in a panic when I've realized what has happened... things I've said. I can't say I don't mean some of those things... that's the sad part... what kind of person thinks and says these things about someone they love. I don't know how to be happy, I don't even know where to start to try to make myself happy... I haven't had many joys in my life that weren't closely followed by misery. How can I expect to make another person happy when I can't even make myself happy. I don't even know if he's happy, if he even wants to be anymore... maybe he'd rather not try. I don't know because he won't even begin to try to explain what he feels like or what his dark moments look like. How am I to know what goes on inside of him if he won't let me in.
   I'm not even sure what I want anymore... out of life... out of love... out of the future. I don't know if I want to even chance raising a child knowing that I could cause that much pain to someone I not only love, but created. The same pain that was handed down to me. I hold my parents responsible for a huge percentage of the crap I cary around today and for the person I was brought up to be, I don't know if I could live knowing I did that to an innocent child. Maybe I'm better off completely alone... unable to hurt anyone.
   I feel like I'm hanging on a chunk of unstable rock on the side of a cliff. I could keep hanging on until someday it breaks or I could just let go and the better part of me which is him would die and I'd become something horribly dark and I'd have to become someone else. Is it wrong to have your whole identity wrapped up in someone else, does that make me weak or not a strong person. I feel like he's all I've ever known and I'd cease to exist without him. Is it wrong to hold on to something when you know its broken... when you know it can never be whole. We could glue the pieces together and hope it sticks, but there will always be that weak spot that keeps reminding us every single time we get into a bad fight.
   I know I want to be happy, I know I still have some hope left... but I need help. I need more than he's been giving, I need that person who was there the morning after I screwed up really bad, the man that opened up to me about everything he was feeling in that moment. I guess I need change, I need him to change... I need me to change. If not then I'll have to let go of the rock...

"I didn't spend any money last night" - D

   That was from my hubby, aka D. He thinks I care so much that he was partying it up with his guy friends at a hotel last night on the other side of the country. My response: "Don't give a sh*t."
   Anyway, today's intake:

4 slices turkey baccon, 2 egg whites and 1 egg scrambled, 8oz trop 50 oj, iced coffee.

Typical Morning

I have the worst period known to women today, horrid. I seriously can't wait till I'm too skinny to even get periods. I am like stuck at 128lbs and can't get under that, its so frustrating. At 5'-9" I want nothing more than to weigh 110lbs soaking wet. 18 more to go obviously. God that sounds like so much weight, I had no idea I was such a fatty. I use to weigh 140... hahaha fat n' happy newly wed bliss... how tragicaly disgusting. Never again, I'd rather die than weigh a single pound over 130. My theory is that if you eat a normal sized breakfast (normal being what non-disordered people would eat on a saturday morning, not resaurant sized i.e. 4 scrambled egg whites, 8oz trop 50 oj, and 4 pieces of turkey baccon) then your metabolism will be boost for the day enabling one to sustain a pretty good workout and be full for the rest of the day and then maybe just a snack before bed.
I've got to get off this smoking kick, there are so many wonderful things about smoking but the lung cancer thing really puts a damper on all that. I've been wanting to try those electronic cigarettes, but they are a bit pricey and being that my hubby and I are living off unemployment checks from North Carolina I shouldn't even really be smoking at all. In the future if I still struggle I'll venture out and try those lil water vapor ones :) In the meantime, my hubby needs to have his buddy go onto base and get me a shit load of nicorette for free... that should keep me sane for a little while.

Out of Love

   I got married... wayyyy too young, 20. I'm 22 now. I've realized how much I've missed out on. I could have finished my degree and had lots of boyfriends by now and had lots of sex with wonderfuly hot strangers and lived the Sex and the City dream that seems so idealistic, fun, and unhindering. I don't know how my unhappiness got this far or better yet how I allowed myself to get this unhappy, because we all know that the power to be truly happy is inside us not the people who we're around. Which is a lot easier said than believed.
   I have lived the last two years couped up in a tiny Marine Corps town who's only highlights, to the mainly horny and unfortunatley underpaid, young eager men of the USMC are strip clubs, chain restaurants, adult video stores, and bars. God, there are so many sad little dive bars there. Nothing like what you'd find here in the best state in the union. Southern California is just this amazing buzzing giant metropolis filled with anything you can imagine to do.... ha just as long as you have that widely needed green wad that seems so hard to chase in this wonderful economy. Thanks to whoever is keeping us from being a self sustaining country by drilling for our own oil in Alaska and therefore producing a shit load of must needed jobs. 10% unemployment rate my ass, we all know its higher than that.
   I totally went down a rabbit hole and now to get back on target... I really do think that I've fallen out of love with my husband and its really starting to bother me. I'm not the type to agree with divorce or someone who even thought I would one day be seriously considering it, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. He is not the person I fell in love with and I don't think he will be again. I'm really not the one that changed believe it or not, he is. I have always been ambitious and have wanted the same lifestyle that I grew up with for my own children someday (which thanks to God that I don't have any yet). I have goals for my life and I always have had the same shit planned out for my life since I was 12. He, on the other hand, use to give a crap about making money, being romantic and creative, having babies in the near future... and now what???? He is lazy, unemployed (with no drive), horribly boring in bed, and thinks I should be near my 30s before having kids. He was totally different when we first got married and my unhappiness in my marriage has made me into this bitter bitch not only toward him, but toward myself and my family. I've been getting depressed and I no longer want to go out and see my friends or even try to have a good time. He and I are always fighting and it never gets any better, so is divorce the answer? Should I just plan that within 6 months I will be able to comfortably support myself and we will divide our worthless minute personal belongings till there is nothing left of our lives together to fight about? Its sad because I'm not sure how I will identify myself as being single again. He was my first serious relationship and the only man I've ever slept with and I just don't know how I'm going to alter my life this significantly without damaging myself and him permanantly. I know I can find someone out there who is better for me, so maybe I just need to hang onto that and keep positive about this weird time in my life.