Discouraged

  I feel like I ate wayyyyy too much today. I really didn't eat that much but I feel stuffed, probably cuz my stomach has shrunk and I can't hold that much food it in anymore without feeling stuffed.

   I still have got no calls about jobs and its really getting to me, I just want to hear back already and have some interviews!!!!! C'mon people!!!!!  Hire me!!!!

Sad Day

   My tummy is totally growling and I really have not had that much to eat today. I'm going to wait till like a week after my period is over and then weigh and see if the whole water weight thing is gone. I'm really not trying to lose, just maintain 127 and I'll get into my strict losing this weekend. Although this whole shity troubled marriage thing is doing a great job of getting me depressed and therefore I have no appetite :)

Abercrombie Jeans

   So I can finally fit into my size 2L A&F jeans, they are tight, but at least I can actually wear them around :)

I hate periods

   So, I have not had a period in two months and I finally thought that maybe I was losing enough weight that I was going to stop having them... guess not. I also hate all the water weight/bloatiness that shows up on the damn scale when this happens too. Depressing. I think I'm going to continue to fast today, just coffee and MAYBE egg drop soup which is all of 60 calories. Sounds like a good plan. I really want to be able to drop 8lbs by the time I see my husband.

What I ate so far today

Today, I had coffee :) That's it :)

   My teeth hurt so bad that I might as well not eat anyway, I just put my retainer in from like two years ago that I never wear and I guess my teeth have shifted.... A LOT! Hahahaha.
   Still no word from my husband. How immature do you have to be to not respect that fact that you have a wife and answer her calls? Lame.... well I gave D plenty of opportunities to call/text me back yesterday and now I'm over talking to him, so if he comes to the realization that he does want to talk before next month is over, he'll have to do it all on my voice mail :)
   Today I'm going to see that Valentine's Day movie with my mom... I know its going to be a cute flick, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel like sh*t from all the lovey dovey crap that I can't experience... oh well... I've come to the conclusion that life is a sh*t fest and nothing more. I seriously can't wait to die and go to heaven... geez who wishes that?! I guess f*cked up people like me.

Heart Broken

   I feel like I'm missing the biggest part of me, like my heart is disolving in this moment, I can't feel it beating, I can't feel it smiling. I'm in pain, now more than ever... I'm scared... I'm confused... I'm lost wondering what's next. There are some things I can't change and never will be able to and I'm not sure how to live with that. I'm exhausted from the constant questioning and anxiety that my heart goes through every single day. I'm burned out with messing up and trying so hard to put things back together in a panic when I've realized what has happened... things I've said. I can't say I don't mean some of those things... that's the sad part... what kind of person thinks and says these things about someone they love. I don't know how to be happy, I don't even know where to start to try to make myself happy... I haven't had many joys in my life that weren't closely followed by misery. How can I expect to make another person happy when I can't even make myself happy. I don't even know if he's happy, if he even wants to be anymore... maybe he'd rather not try. I don't know because he won't even begin to try to explain what he feels like or what his dark moments look like. How am I to know what goes on inside of him if he won't let me in.
   I'm not even sure what I want anymore... out of life... out of love... out of the future. I don't know if I want to even chance raising a child knowing that I could cause that much pain to someone I not only love, but created. The same pain that was handed down to me. I hold my parents responsible for a huge percentage of the crap I cary around today and for the person I was brought up to be, I don't know if I could live knowing I did that to an innocent child. Maybe I'm better off completely alone... unable to hurt anyone.
   I feel like I'm hanging on a chunk of unstable rock on the side of a cliff. I could keep hanging on until someday it breaks or I could just let go and the better part of me which is him would die and I'd become something horribly dark and I'd have to become someone else. Is it wrong to have your whole identity wrapped up in someone else, does that make me weak or not a strong person. I feel like he's all I've ever known and I'd cease to exist without him. Is it wrong to hold on to something when you know its broken... when you know it can never be whole. We could glue the pieces together and hope it sticks, but there will always be that weak spot that keeps reminding us every single time we get into a bad fight.
   I know I want to be happy, I know I still have some hope left... but I need help. I need more than he's been giving, I need that person who was there the morning after I screwed up really bad, the man that opened up to me about everything he was feeling in that moment. I guess I need change, I need him to change... I need me to change. If not then I'll have to let go of the rock...

"I didn't spend any money last night" - D

   That was from my hubby, aka D. He thinks I care so much that he was partying it up with his guy friends at a hotel last night on the other side of the country. My response: "Don't give a sh*t."
   Anyway, today's intake:

4 slices turkey baccon, 2 egg whites and 1 egg scrambled, 8oz trop 50 oj, iced coffee.

Typical Morning

I have the worst period known to women today, horrid. I seriously can't wait till I'm too skinny to even get periods. I am like stuck at 128lbs and can't get under that, its so frustrating. At 5'-9" I want nothing more than to weigh 110lbs soaking wet. 18 more to go obviously. God that sounds like so much weight, I had no idea I was such a fatty. I use to weigh 140... hahaha fat n' happy newly wed bliss... how tragicaly disgusting. Never again, I'd rather die than weigh a single pound over 130. My theory is that if you eat a normal sized breakfast (normal being what non-disordered people would eat on a saturday morning, not resaurant sized i.e. 4 scrambled egg whites, 8oz trop 50 oj, and 4 pieces of turkey baccon) then your metabolism will be boost for the day enabling one to sustain a pretty good workout and be full for the rest of the day and then maybe just a snack before bed.
I've got to get off this smoking kick, there are so many wonderful things about smoking but the lung cancer thing really puts a damper on all that. I've been wanting to try those electronic cigarettes, but they are a bit pricey and being that my hubby and I are living off unemployment checks from North Carolina I shouldn't even really be smoking at all. In the future if I still struggle I'll venture out and try those lil water vapor ones :) In the meantime, my hubby needs to have his buddy go onto base and get me a shit load of nicorette for free... that should keep me sane for a little while.

Out of Love

   I got married... wayyyy too young, 20. I'm 22 now. I've realized how much I've missed out on. I could have finished my degree and had lots of boyfriends by now and had lots of sex with wonderfuly hot strangers and lived the Sex and the City dream that seems so idealistic, fun, and unhindering. I don't know how my unhappiness got this far or better yet how I allowed myself to get this unhappy, because we all know that the power to be truly happy is inside us not the people who we're around. Which is a lot easier said than believed.
   I have lived the last two years couped up in a tiny Marine Corps town who's only highlights, to the mainly horny and unfortunatley underpaid, young eager men of the USMC are strip clubs, chain restaurants, adult video stores, and bars. God, there are so many sad little dive bars there. Nothing like what you'd find here in the best state in the union. Southern California is just this amazing buzzing giant metropolis filled with anything you can imagine to do.... ha just as long as you have that widely needed green wad that seems so hard to chase in this wonderful economy. Thanks to whoever is keeping us from being a self sustaining country by drilling for our own oil in Alaska and therefore producing a shit load of must needed jobs. 10% unemployment rate my ass, we all know its higher than that.
   I totally went down a rabbit hole and now to get back on target... I really do think that I've fallen out of love with my husband and its really starting to bother me. I'm not the type to agree with divorce or someone who even thought I would one day be seriously considering it, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. He is not the person I fell in love with and I don't think he will be again. I'm really not the one that changed believe it or not, he is. I have always been ambitious and have wanted the same lifestyle that I grew up with for my own children someday (which thanks to God that I don't have any yet). I have goals for my life and I always have had the same shit planned out for my life since I was 12. He, on the other hand, use to give a crap about making money, being romantic and creative, having babies in the near future... and now what???? He is lazy, unemployed (with no drive), horribly boring in bed, and thinks I should be near my 30s before having kids. He was totally different when we first got married and my unhappiness in my marriage has made me into this bitter bitch not only toward him, but toward myself and my family. I've been getting depressed and I no longer want to go out and see my friends or even try to have a good time. He and I are always fighting and it never gets any better, so is divorce the answer? Should I just plan that within 6 months I will be able to comfortably support myself and we will divide our worthless minute personal belongings till there is nothing left of our lives together to fight about? Its sad because I'm not sure how I will identify myself as being single again. He was my first serious relationship and the only man I've ever slept with and I just don't know how I'm going to alter my life this significantly without damaging myself and him permanantly. I know I can find someone out there who is better for me, so maybe I just need to hang onto that and keep positive about this weird time in my life.